Catch and Release (A Love Story)

The doorbell rang and I opened the door without looking. I like doing that sometimes, hoping for a surprise. Maybe Publisher's Clearing House will be standing there with one of those big checks or maybe the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. You never know. Usually it's just a kid selling cookies or gift wrap, trying to sponsor some trip to D.C. or somewhere. They're standing there in their little Boy Scout uniforms, all freckle-faced and hopeful. I never get tired of seeing that look on their faces when I tell them no. Yeah, yeah I know, but I'm actually doing them a favor. If these kids are going to grow up and date girls they need to get used to rejection. Someday they'll thank me. Other times it's Jehovah Witnesses. Man those people are harder to get rid of than cockroaches. A friend told me that the reason they are so adamant about getting invited in was so they could pick out the house they wanted in the hereafter. You're basically having an open house without your knowledge. I'm not impugning on their beliefs, this is just what my friend told me. Like I said, you never know. But today I wished I'd looked first. It was Lester.

I opened the door and there he stood, looking like a flower that never gets enough water. All wrung-out, dried-up and drooping, some petals missing. He smiled his rotten tooth smile and held his hands up to his gray face about a foot apart. "I survived!" He said.

"You survived what, Lester, a sexual assault in jail?" I made no move to invite him in. Lester's one redeeming quality is you can't be rude to him and he can't be insulted. It's the easiest relationship I have.

"No! It's a TV show Mister. It's called I Survived. These people are put through all manner of godawful things by nature and miscreants and come out the other side, alive!"

"I think I might have seen this program a time or two Lester." I started backing in the door.

"Not this one I betcha. You see this woman was deep sea fishing off the coast of Panama..."

"Lester I really got something going on in the house here..." I've heard all of Lester's fish stories.

"Huh-uh. No, you just wait a minute Mister. I gotta say something I ain't never said before. I am in love." He did seem agitated. Tobacco juice spilled from both corners of his mouth. He squinted and cupped two weathered hands in front of his scrawny chest. "She had these nice little cantaloupe-sized bajoobies wrestling around inside her white tank top."

I stepped back out on the porch. "Let's sit down." I said.

"She was trying to land a big tuna. A spitfire in cutoff jeans she was. I thought I was dreamin. Back and forth she went, letting him play out and working him back in. That woman knew how to handle a rod I tell you." His clear blue eyes stared into the distance.

An uncomfortable moment settled down between us. I cleared my throat. "I guess something went wrong?" I ventured.

"Weren't nothing she done. She landed that fish like a pro. She was tuckered out a bit you see, had to take a break. I reckon she'd outfished many a man by then. The first mate held up her catch for the camera. She's standing there sweaty, wearing an angel smile. Man what I'd do to put a smile like that on her face."

"I guess you could put a hook in your mouth. " God, how I do I kill me.

"I would you know."

"So I guess it's safe to assume this happy little fish tale doesn't end there." Lester seemed to have gotten sidetracked from the bajoobies.

"The show is called I Survived. Perhaps you weren't listening Mister. Her so-called husband handed her the video camera while he tried to land a little Blue Marlin. He struck me as amateurish at best, lollygagging around with it until the captain was worried about getting get back to port before dark. They decided to reel that marlin in before the fight had gone out of him. Big mistake. Man it's like Mr. Wrong was in charge. Just as the fish came alongside, a wave rolled the boat railing low in the water and do you know what happened next Mister? I'll tell you. That Blue Marlin jumped clean up in the boat!"

"Ay carumba!" I said and I meant it. "That was one pissed fish."

"You reckon? The lovely one was holding the video camera remember? All you could see was a big sharp speer attached to a big ugly fish coming right at ya. Then the camera went all snowy and stuff. That fish knocked her right on her ass. Then some dipwad picked up the camera and kept to filming! She's laying there bloody and scared. If she's going to die out in the middle of this God forsaken ocean, far from home and loved ones, by all means let's get it on film!"

I wanted to remind Lester that her husband was there. Instead I said, "So she got knocked down by a fish, big deal."

Lester's jaw clenched and he balled his bony fists. "Oh, you. The fish's spike went clean through her arm, punctured her left bajoobie, and went out her back, you damn fool. It could of have been a wound of the mortal type. The closest land was an island. A penal colony where the prisoners just walk around free as you please. Four hundred and fifty of the lowest of the low. Panamanians. They didn't even speak English. Murderers and thieves, rapists I tell you. Drug dealers and their addicts. Men not even good enough to be called scum. This, this is where they took my angel!"

"Yeah I can see that she would be a little uncomfortable there. So what about her other breast? Was it okay?" I'm not good at comforting people.

"As far as I know. She wouldn't let them treat her injuries and who can blame her. Why just the sight of an All-American bajoobie would have driven those heretics mad with desire. Lord can you just imagine? I reckon the husband finally got around to comforting her the best he knew how. They were rescued the next day. It wasn't mentioned on the show but you can just about bet when she left that island it wasn't just her arm and chest that was sore. I really don't want to think about it. Huh, I bet her husband walked sideways for a couple of days too."

"Lester, I think you've given this way too much thought."

"That never crossed my mind. They took her to a hospital in Panama with...say, I'm getting pretty thirsty. Can I have something to drink?"

"No."

"Well anyways those quacks patched her up and sent her home. You ready for the kicker? She had breast implants. When that fish impaled her, one of her implants fell clean out, or so they thought. So there she was with one large bajoobie and one not so large bajoobie. She was out of whack. Her plastic surgeon got her balanced alright but she just didn't feel herself. She had no energy and felt sick for months. It would have not gone that long if I had been there to take care of her I tell ya."

"What was the problem, Lester? Mercury poisoning?"

"Not hardly, Mister? Can you believe that marlin knocked her fake boob down into her chest cavity? Me neither. All that crap leaking around inside her, a foreign object so near that brave heart. She was slowly dying. Luckily they found it in time, finally, so she survived. That's why they call the show I Survived you know. She's back to fishing now too. I am in love."

"That's what I hear. So you're in love because she likes fishing, has nice fake boobs, again, and because you don't think she has the proper person looking out for her?"

"That is quite correct. I've loved women who had a lot less to offer."

Fisherwoman "Come to think of it, so have I." I said. "So what are you going to do about this? I mean she doesn't know you even exist."

"I'm moving to Florida. I'm going to make her mine. I'll track her down and keep after her 'til she gives in."

"I think there's a law against that Lester, although I wouldn't let that stop me."

Lester stood up and wiped his hands on his pants. "Man my hands get sweaty when I talk alot. That ever happen to you? Well I'm off. I don't reckon I'll be seeing you again Mister. Thanks for the hospitality you've shown me over the years."

As I watched him shuffle off I wondered if I'd find a love like that. Nah, what I actually wondered is how a crazy SOB like that is out on the streets. I never thought I'd see old Lester again but I was wrong. About six months later there he was in full color and HD, on Cops, screaming at the top of his lungs, "I've decided to cut bait! I've decided to cut bait!" I'd love to see that on a card.